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Last week we talked about how sometimes I suck at
communication with the girls and the ways that I’ve overcome some of those
malfunctions and the tricks that I have learned. At the end of the piece, it
may have seemed as if I contradicted point one, make sure everyone knows everything, with point three, not everyone in the family needs to know
everything. However, each point was referring to something else in that
all-encompassing word “everything”. Everyone does need to know each other’s
schedules and important dates, so that we can make sure we don’t over book
ourselves. We need to know the highlights of each other’s day and when someone
is hurting, so that we can join in the celebration or hold them up until the
trial passes. Still, in our family, sometimes staying silent is better. The
trick is to know when not to communicate something.
Now, before we go any further, allow me to stress that I am
not referring to keeping secrets. Secrets can kill a relationship and usually
means someone is doing something they shouldn’t be. If this is happening, then
your relationship already has major issues.
So, when do you not communicate something? When it’s going
to cause unnecessary hurt or stress in someone else. Now that doesn’t mean you
avoid things just because they may be uncomfortable or painful to deal with.
Those are necessary for growth in any relationship. However, if there is no
true benefit and it’s going to cause someone pain without benefit, then it’s
best to leave it unsaid.
Jealousies are one of those things. It doesn’t benefit the
others to know that one of the girls are struggling a bit with jealousy. In
fact, it may only stir up trouble and make matters worse. Everyone feels
jealous at one time or another. It’s not a bad emotion if recognized for what
it is, acknowledged, and moved past. However, if dwelt upon and talked to
death, it can explode in unnecessary embarrassment and hurt. This is one best
left not discussed with the family. The one feeling jealous will move past it
and all will be safer for the withholding of the discussion.
Certain insecurities are another subject
that sometimes needs to be left alone. In some cases people can help us move
past our insecurities. In some relationships such as ours, though, it can make
the insecurities worse, especially if they are insecure because they are
comparing themselves to one of the others. Not that it happens necessarily, but
our imaginations may make us feel that others are gloating about our weakness.
It makes us feel even more insecure. While it’s good to tell someone what you
are feeling, it’s not necessary for the entire family to know.
Furthermore, in our relationship of four, if two are
struggling with each other about something, it’s not necessary for the other
two to be in the know. The more people involved in an argument, the longer the
argument will last and the more intense things will become. Most of the time
the other two are only hearing bits and pieces and more of one side than the
other, so they have no real basis for what they are fighting for or against.
The others just wanted someone on their side so they dragged them into it. Now
everyone is pissed at everyone else and no one is happy. The rule of thumb is
to keep the disagreements between the parties involved and leave everyone else
out of it. Arguments get solved quicker this way.
It’s vital for people within a relationship to share with
one another, to dig deep and not to hold back. That’s how we learn about each
other and grow in the relationship. Equally important is that there are no
secrets between the people in the relationship. This is a matter of
relationship protection being more important than privacy. Yet, not everything
is beneficial in the telling and the secret is in discovering that line and
protecting it, because in protecting it, you help maintain the safety of the
emotions of those in the relationship. In this I am the ears and shoulders in
our family. The girls feel safe coming to me because I protect their feelings.
It’s because I do that those negative feelings don’t last as long and the
family stays in harmony, which keeps the home peaceful. For us, that’s the goal
in all of our communication–a harmonious family and a peaceful home.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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