Everyone wants to be a better lover and we all want great
sex. Well, I don’t know if that’s true about you, but I know it’s true about
me. It’s also true that sex is one of the main things fought about in
relationships along with money and whether or not the toilet seat gets put
down. There are dozens of books out there to help you improve all the right
things about your sex life, but I’ve discovered that if you work on five simple
don’ts, your sex life will become steamier, even without learning how to do
that crazy thing with your tongue.
My novel, Losing Faith,
is an exploration of sexual fantasies and how they affect
relationships–marriage relationships, friendships, even work relationships. In
the book, the characters have to face these don’ts in order to open themselves up
to the experiences they want to have. It’s a novel about Faith’s exploration
into her sexual side and how Selby goes along for the ride. Because they
overcome these fears and don’ts, they are able to enjoy a side of themselves
that had been boxed up. Let’s take a peek at what not to do for a better sex
life.
First, don’t be afraid to talk about sex.
Fear keeps our mouths silent and that causes barriers to go up that hinders our
experiences. You would think with the way sex fills our movies and television
shows and our music that we would be more comfortable discussing sex. However,
it’s one thing to watch it or read about it and quite another to have a serious
conversation about it. In a relationship, talking about sex is as important as
talking about your finances and sometimes you can combine them by talking about
whether you can really afford that French maid outfit.
Faith’s exploration began because Selby asked, “What are
your fantasies?” If she had never answered that exposing question, she never
would have learned the things about herself that she did by the end of the
book. For anything to happen, they first needed to discuss it.
And then they needed to keep discussing it. Each needed to
keep checking in with the other to make sure everything was going as planned.
Jealousies, insecurities, and doubts had to be shared and dealt with so that
the relationship didn’t suffer. At first, Faith dreads talking about sex as it
embarrasses her, but over time she grows past that fear and realizes the
benefit of opening herself up to the conversations.
You need to discuss what you like and what you don’t like,
what works and what makes you want to scream and not from pleasure. Everyone
has fantasies, things that send those electrical shivers through their body. If
you never ask for it, you’ll never get it and, trust me, sharing fantasies is a
great way to spice up the bedroom.
Second, don’t wait until it’s time to go to sleep
for sex. Let’s face it, you’re just too tired. It’s been a long day,
you’re exhausted and the stress still hasn’t left your body. You may be going
through the motions–literally–but you’re really not there. It’s an exercise,
something to check off on your To Do List. It’s boring and soon sex becomes
drudgery.
Shake things up. Start your day with a quick romp in the
shower. It’ll wake you up faster than that morning cup of coffee. Or make a
lunch date for a sexier dish than the normal grub. In Losing Faith, the characters take advantage of the opportunities
that arise. It’s that spontaneity with a dash of risk at times that adds to the
sexual intensity. It’s what quite a few people fantasize about and it could be
what turns a humdrum day into one to write about in your journal.
Another no no is don’t rush the sex. Quickies are
hot and are great for that quick release of tension, but to truly explore you
partner you need more than five minutes. When you slow down and savor the
sexual intimacy, you’ll discover the relationship becomes stronger, deeper
even. It was one of Edwin’s requests to Faith in the novel. He loved the quick
excursions, but he truly wanted more time to roam her body and her mind. The
greatest sexual organ is the mind and you can’t explore it without time. Slow
down and relish each sexual caress, kiss, and lick. You’ll be a very satisfied
lover if you do.
Fourth on our list is don’t have sex the same way every time.
Routine becomes, well, routine and that’s boring. It also adds to the
going-through-the-motions mentality. Don’t be afraid to change things up,
switch positions, throw in a toy or two, or move locations. Your brain will be
stimulated because it’s something new and that in turn will stimulate your
body. If you’ve followed the first three steps above, then this should be a
natural progression. Sex is about enjoyment, not routine.
And finally, don’t be selfish. The “oh well, I
got mine” should never be a thought in your head. The adage, the more you give,
the more you receive, is true in the bedroom as well. Put your partner’s needs
ahead of yours in bed and it’ll come back to you. With each doing their best to
please the other, everyone will get pleased. This is a major theme in Losing Faith as Faith, Selby, Edwin and
even Tracey do their best to satisfy the needs of their lovers, and not just in
the bedroom. It’s important to remember that foreplay begins when you wake up.
If you’re selfish in other areas with your partner, don’t expect them to be
generous in the bedroom. Moods affect sex, so keep each other happy and you’re
on your way to being satisfied.
Each of these steps sound simple, but our fears hinder us
from putting them into practice. However, once you open up to your partner what
it is that you desire, once you break the rut of routine sex, you’ll discover a
whole new world full of exciting, erotic adventure before you. Like Faith and
Selby, you’ll discover things about yourself that you never knew, new passions
and outlooks on life. Life is about the journey of discovery and there is
nothing more revealing than self-discovery. So, sit down with your partner
tonight and begin the journey. It’s worth every step.
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What have you missed?
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